Okay so.

Tuesdays are weird.

All the hoomans get this serious face like someone told them there’s no more coffee, and then they all walk real fast into the big room with the chairs and the big screen and mild panic.

They call it “Tuesday Status.”

I call it “The Hour of Ignoring Etta.”

Because for 60 entire minutes, everyone just sits there. Talking about projects and deadlines and “circling back” like that’s more important than the fact that I am rolling on my back, belly OUT, paws UP and my soul SHINING. I'm being what they call irresistibull.

NO ONE SCRATCH.

I mean... what am I even doing it all for??? I stretch. I wiggle. I look like a delicious little croissant of affection and they just keep YAPPING about deliverabobblies.

So I escalate.

I trot in with my hardest, loudest bone. You know the one. The one that sounds like thunder on concrete. I look right at Daddy Timmy (my dad. my nemesis. my parole officer) and I DROP it.

CLONK.

Nothing.

CLONK CLONK.

“Etta, please.” he says. Like I’m not putting on the performance of a lifetime. Like I’m not trying to make STATUS TUESDAY just a little more fabulous.

So then I try being useful. Someone say “let’s circle back on that,” and I’m like YES SIR RIGHT AWAY and I start chasing my tail.
No one notices.

This is a toxic work environment.

Fine. Be like that.

I grab my squeaky donut and start the laps. Full-speed zoomies around the table. Lap one: nothing. Lap two: Geoff flinches. Lap three: Tim tells me to “settle down.”

SETTLE DOWN??? Buddy I am your most passionate employee. I bring energy to this team. I bring joy. I bring… crumbs from under the couch.

Speaking of crumbs, Geoff smells like he sat in a pile of pocket jerky and sadness again. I give him a sniff for good measure. Maybe a lick. Still. No. Pets.

Finally, the meeting ends. Everyone claps. They smile at each other. They say things like “great progress” and “good sync.” But you know what no one says?

“Thank you, Etta. For your service.”

I’ll be under the table. Licking my feelings.

Until next week.


Xoxo,
Etta
CEO of Barketing | Head of Disruption | Irresistibull